Denver, Colorado and my breakdown.

October 22, 2015.
The day the universe swooped in to shake my bones.

I have never felt more like I was at a cross roads of my life then I did when I went to Denver.
The universe put me in certain places with unexpected people, it all seemed way to convenient to just be a coincidence. A series of strange unexpected events and conversations that really hit me like a bass drum. The whole trip was like a motivational book and each encounter was its own chapter of "You need to learn this too."

The biggest piece of advice that I got on this trip was this: "Everyone has an idea, but no one does it in fear that it will be perceived as crap. But thats the process. You come out with something, its crap, and you learn and make something better." If you don't come out with crap you can never learn to make it better. Its the process. And at least your making something. Thats the goal right. You can talk all day or for your entire life about great ideas, and great dreams, but if you don't do it, you never did it, and it never actually happened.

I also met a man on the airplane. We talked for 4 hours about people, and body language, and business, and goals, and everything under the sun. His career focuses on finding a cure for cancer, but he doesn't want to do that anymore. People go to school for years for a successful career, and they realize, this isn't what I want. And thats ok. Its okay to decide to do something different. To realize that you ARE something different. Whether you got it wrong the first time, or you are just growing and evolving into something different. Its okay. Go with the current. Follow your heart.

My mind was so flooded in Denver.
Maybe the mountains acted like a huge bowl, to pool together all my thoughts to drown me like a lake, rather than them being always carried away by the Ocean back home.
Im not sure, but unattractively, I broke.
I became so mad at myself for putting my dreams aside everyday because I was slaving away at my day job. My dead end day job. I put myself on the back burner, everyday. Everyday I made that choice. And thats what we all do don't we? We choose against ourselves everyday. Whether its to put in hours at work, or put in hours with friends, or put in hours being lazy because we think we deserve it because we have been working so hard. We put in hours in everything but what we truly want.

And I know its very silly but I keep thinking of that meme or quote, "You have just as many hours in a day as Beyonce." Ugh, thanks Beyonce.

I ran away in Denver. I went with my best friend to the middle of the country, and I had to run away from it. I took a day and just escaped alone. I went to the bookstore. Some people go to bars when they feel lost, I run to bookstores. Other people's words and thoughts just make me feel more at peace than any drink with a goddamn baby straw.  I sat in there all day, thumbing through pages, reading poems that soothed me for a minute, sipping on my huge bottle of water, wondering what the old guy sitting by the window was getting word drunk on.

And I came across this book, it is called "Grit to Great" and it was the exact book that was meant to cross my eye sight in the store.

I encourage anyone struggling with a dream they have to read this book.
I am not even done with it, and I still feel like it is so important.

I don't allow myself to dream anymore, I make myself work.
Anytime I think about something the way I want it, I start just doing. Whether it comes out as crap or not.
New goal : MAKE CRAP NOW. Learn after.
Thats my goal. I want to make so much "crap" that it snowballs into amazing. Through hard work and learning.

"Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work." - Stephen King

All in all, this post is probably crap. But hey, look, I still did it.
And I will learn to make the next one better.


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